“I’m pregnant?” I said the words aloud and shook my head in shock and disbelief. This was by far the scariest moment of my life. Sitting in my car outside 7-Eleven, I began to cry.
How can I take care of a child? How can I tell my family? How can I provide for another human when I am still finding my own path? I repeated these questions—and more—in my head. The overwhelming emotions made me cry even harder.
At that moment, I had the most insidious thought I could have ever imagined. I knew I had to secretly have an abortion. I didn’t have the courage to admit that I was pregnant. I didn’t want my fun, carefree “party life” to be over, and I did NOT want my family to look down on me for getting pregnant outside of marriage.
Now, anyone who knows me knows that I have NEVER supported abortion. I could never have imagined killing a preborn child and I have spoken out many times about how I strongly disagree with women who choose abortion. Yet, here I was—a hypocrite —afraid and embarrassed, feeling like an abortion was the best idea for me.
I went home and began researching options online. What would it cost? Where would I go? All of the arguments I once stood against suddenly didn’t matter.
“If it’s so early on, it’s not really a child,” I lied to myself. “You’ll be doing the baby a huge favor, Kourtney,” I lied again.
Isn’t it funny how Satan can make sin look so attractive? It sickens me how my deep fear of judgment, responsibility, and my changing body caused me to question everything I inherently knew was wrong. Fear’s grip is exceptionally strong. It causes you to feel out of control. I didn’t want this situation. I didn’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t want to lose my body or my friends or my life. I am not ready, I thought.
“You DON’T HAVE to be ready,” a voice whispered. “You have a CHOICE.”
Yet, something in the back of my head kept telling me to wait.
I sat in my room with my hands pressed over my face, sobbing. It was in that moment that I began to pray—an angry, honest, and desperate prayer. I asked the Lord to fix this, to make this disappear.
Sitting in silent prayer, I suddenly remembered what the Lord said in Isaiah 55:8–9: “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.”
That’s a great verse, God, but I don’t really care if our thoughts line up or not right now, I thought. This isn’t YOUR life God; it’s MINE.
The Lord responded by reminding me of Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you . . . plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
My silent conversation continued: Lord, I’m not sure what kind of future You have for me, but again I DON’T CARE. This isn’t the future I WANT!
The Lord was silent.
I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to have this baby. In fact, I couldn’t even bring myself to use the term “baby.” Rather, I just kept saying “I have to end this.”
I called Tucker, my boyfriend. Crying, I told him I was pregnant. To my surprise, he responded by saying, “Okay. Well we can get through this. We can raise a child, Kourt.”
I cannot explain his tenderness. His soothing words began to calm my terrified state of mind: “Come over and we’ll talk. Everything is okay. You’re going to get through this with me by your side. The Lord allows everything we go through to happen for a reason.”
I hung up the phone and drove to his house in total silence. The Lord spoke to me again: “Assume your own responsibility” (Galatians 6:5).
This verse played over and over in my mind. I slowly slid my hand off the steering wheel and rested it on my stomach. My fear began to weaken.
Then the Lord gave me an image of a tiny child, with eyes like mine and a beautiful smile. He gave me a mental picture of me holding my child in MY arms, vibrant and happy and whole. And then He replaced it with a picture of HIM holding my child in HIS arms.
In that moment, I understood what God was trying to tell me: “One of us is going to hold this child, Kourtney. The decision of WHOM that will be is up to you.”
I remember that moment so clearly. Pondering the fact that someone WILL hold this baby, God or me, shook me to the core. I MADE my baby. He is flesh of my flesh and he needs me to be brave enough to choose what’s RIGHT over what’s EASY. I knew then that I couldn’t take my baby’s life.
Was I still afraid? Yes. Was this going to be a scary journey ahead of me? Yes. Will this make me grow up faster than planned? Yes. Will the financial aspects worry me? Yes.
But will I make the right choice? Yes.
I am nearly 20 weeks along now and I cannot explain the excitement and confidence that have replaced my fear. My love for my preborn child has surpassed any earthly thing I worried I’d be “missing.”
The point I want you to understand is that life can be scary and trials will arise no matter what path you choose. But don’t allow fear to drive your decisions. Trust in the Lord to help you choose the path that is right instead of one based on a quick or easy decision you will regret.
With God, trials can become triumphs and any test you face can become your TESTIMONY. Be brave and step out in faith.